Brandon Notices

I got the latest issue of Mad a few days ago. You might remember the news that last month, someone working at Circuit City overreacted about Mad's "Sucker City" spoof. I personally thought that it was very funny, so that's why I was delighted to see Mad do another spoof. This time, the victim was Staples.



Stuples!! I told my dad about this, and he thought it was a little funny, but he was too busy to look at it, so I left it open and set it on the bar. A few hours later, he returned and started looking through it. He had forgotten that it was a spoof! He told my mom how crazy this staple gun was.



He was actually considering getting it, probably because of how awesome it looks. Then he noticed the required 5-day waiting period, and that's when he began doubting how authentic the ad was. Then he flipped the magazine closed and realized that it's Mad!

My favorite product in the fake ad was the Crayola box of crayons.

A few of the little neighbor kids these past few days have really gotten into playing Ding Dong Ditch. They've been playing it and off all day today, so I thought it would be fun to set up a camera so I could watch a live feed of the porch remotely.

In the feed, I saw Jesse run under the porch. Then I saw Davey run up the stairs with toddler Patrick shortly in tow. After Davey rang the door bell, I took a still from the feed. Davey stumbled quickly down the stairs and hid under the porch, but Patrick just stood on the porch, not knowing to hide. I watched as he stood there for what was probably about 20 seconds. Then I saw them all dash away together in the background. A minute later, I stepped outsie and told them that they would have to do a better job than that, because I could see everything they did. I told them every event that I could remember from the video, pointing out that Patrick stood on the stairs far too long. Jesse asked me how I knew all that, so I presented them a printed copy of the still I took, which you see to the right. They were surprised and thrilled to notice the webcam in my window.

A little while later, I set a single wrapped popcicle on the porch and then quickly went inside to watch as they all three walked up on the porch and grabbed the popcicle. I later learned that Jesse alone ate it, because his tongue was orange. After that, they rang the door bell, asking me for gumballs, but we got rid of those a long time ago. Patrick was upset about not having a popcicle, and I explained facetiously that they were all three meant to split the orange-flavored one, but I shortly after that chucked two more popcicles into the yard. Davey ate one, and I scolded Jesse for starting to eat a second one instead of giving it to Patrick.

Today, I finally fulfilled my goal of bringing chalk to the university and drawing something on the ground. Originally, I thought of writing some palindromes, but I settled on drawing a few hopscotch courts around the fountain. I decided against drawing numbers in them because people could approach them from either side and I didn't want to alienate anyone (see Sidewalk Chalk). I wonder if anyone is actually going to jump on these. I sat nearby for a little while, and didn't actually see anyone jump or even notice, but it wasn't passing time, so not many people were walking by while I waited.

After drawing two hopscotches, I mustered up some courage and drew a ridiculous one with the hopscotch trailing off into the pond water. I hope nobody is foolish enough to try. As a precaution, I wrote "STOP! THINK!" in the last box before the water (and to parody all the political chalk messages on campus), but I had to really squeeze it in there and it turned out being less than perfect.

It seems that all of the neighbor kids are attracted to me like a magnet. I went outside three times to check for mail (which never came...), and each time, the little kids dropped whatever they were doing and ran over to me to talk to me about a hundred different topics. The boys wanted me to bring out my Hot Wheels and play cars with them (a game consisting of dragging the car back and forth on the ground and going "vroom vroom"), and the girls wanted me to listen to them sing some pop music. It's hard to say no to them because they just keep hounding you and they follow you everywhere.

I'm not saying that I don't like them, it's just that they're always on my tail whenever I step outside. The second time I stepped outside, Jesse and Davey were obsessed with the idea of wanting to come into my house to play video games and build with Legos and make a Hot Wheel track. This is stuff Jesse and I used to do when I babysat him. The third time I stepped outside, I managed to sneak to the mailboxes, but when I saw that Jesse had noticed me, I ran back to my house with him following closely on his scooter. I only barely managed to get into my house and lock the door before he could push the door open to beg for me to come back outside and play. He will just stand with his foot in the door. It drives me absolutely crazy!

Several weeks ago, my cousin Daniel was visiting, and we were working on a jigsaw puzzle, and Jesse and Davey rang on the doorbell and when I opened the door, they ran away. A minute or so later, they rang the doorbell again, and to humor them, I opened the door; they were hiding under the porch, and I could see them through the slats. They kept ringing the doorbell and playing ding dong ditch until more cousins, Kevin and Shelly, arrived. The little kids began pestering them (Jesse and Davey have this obsession with telling Kevin that he owes them money). After Kevin and Shelly came in, Jesse and Davey kept ringing the doorbell and running and hiding. After a while, we began to ignore them, but then they would repeatedly ring the door bell over and over. Soon, Kevin prepared a squirt gun and stood behind the door. When Kevin heard Jesse and Davey run up the stairs, he opened the door and blasted the kids with the squirt gun. Of course, that really didn't stop them—nothing does.

April Fool's Day is tomorrow. I like April Fool's Day! Some people apostrophize (I checked; that's really a word!) "April Fools Day" differently. I guess it depends on who you interpret is the fool. Myself, I put the apostrophe after fool because I see it as a holiday when you "fool" people... day to fool, fool's day. Isn't "fool" a weird word? "FOOOOOOL." Say it. Encarta defines FOOL as several things, including a person who behaves comically or entertains...that's how I see the word "fool" in "April Fool's Day".

Probably one weakness I have when fooling people is that I never get around to saying "April Fool!" I mean, the opportunity never arises. For example, and here's a weak example, I say, "Whoops, I forgot my lunch!" knowing well that I have not forgotten my lunch. Then somebody will say "Oh, that's too bad" or something. Then what? That's not an appropriate time to say "April Fool!" I don't know, maybe it's a bad example or something, but saying "April Fool!" right then would be awkward and would feel out of place. Hey, isn't "awkward" also a weird word? Think about it. Think about how weird all words are.

Oh, don't think about poking me on the right shoulder from behind when you're standing on my left. I never fall for that one. Besides, I probably won't be turning my back on anyone tomorrow anyway (I wouldn't want a "Kick me!" sign taped (or worse, glued!) on the back of my shirt).

I wonder if anybody has an April Fool's Day prank planned where they bring a gun to school. I hope nobody's planning a joke like that, because it probably won't end up being very funny.

There are several types of April Fool's Day pranks. I'll list a few:

1. Spoken Pranks
   These usually take the least amount of preparation, and when done correctly, can usually make people laugh or make other people laugh at the prankee. Here are a few examples of Spoken Pranks:
   • "My dog Freddy died."
   • "I told the teacher you were cheating, even though you probably weren't."
   • "I'm the one who pulled the fire alarm."
   • "I need to raise $50 to bail my dads out of jail."
   • "I liked my trip to Renton."



2. Gestural Pranks
   These are really simple, subtle pranks that only involve movement of a body part or gazing in one direction. Here are a few examples of Gestural Pranks:
   • If you're talking to somebody whose back is to a door, look around him as if somebody is entering the room. He'll turn around to see who's entering.
   • Say "You've got something on your face," and touch somewhere on your own face. The prankee will frantically try to rub something off his face.
   • Look up, and people will look up to see what you're looking at.
   • Stand behind somebody to the right, and tap his left shoulder. He will look over his left shoulder, and will be surprised to see that nobody's standing there!



3. Physical Pranks
   These are much more involved than Gestural Pranks, and usually get more attention as well. It's likely that you will get the attention of a lot of people, so if you try to pull one of these off, make sure it is a good one. If the prank doesn't work, you'll feel embarassed. Here are a few examples of Physical Pranks:
   • Pretend like you're about to trip right into somebody.
   • Stick your foot out right in front of somebody walking, and trip him. Works great if he's carrying a bunch of books!



4. Prop Pranks
   These pranks require some preparation because the props have to be gathered or constructed ahead of time. Here are a few examples of Prop Pranks:
   • He bites into the donut and is surprised that instead of jelly filling, it has mustard filling!
   • Poke holes in the side of somebody's straw while they're away. When they try to drink with the straw, it'll be difficult to suck the beverage up!
   • Give somebody a mylar balloon that says "It's A Girl!" in front of a bunch of people.
   • Slip a few sardines into somebody's sandwich.
   • Tape a "Kick Me" sign on somebody's back.
   • Tape a "Kill Me" sign on an enemy's back.

In elementary school, my teachers seemed to love April Fool's Day. They'd play a prank on us. I remember falling for a trick Mrs. Engle played on us once in 2nd grade when she told us that school lasted an hour later, and we were going to get rid of third recess. I was like, Nooooooooo! Actually, though, they did get rid of third recess a few years later.

Elementary school teachers like pranking little kids, but in high school, none of the teachers seem to like playing tricks. Hmmm... but this year, I have a bunch of good teachers. Ms. Hudemann, Mr. Worster, and Ms. Shaw are three likely teachers to try to prank us. Mr. Singh and Ms. Dixon are probably too serious, and it would be too confusing for Ms. Brinkley to try to fool us, so...I don't know.

Ahhh... tomorrow, I have to go to school early tomorrow during Tutorial to catch up in my classes. Maybe, instead of telling my teachers I was sick, I could tell them something more serious, like maybe I fell down the stairs or I had symptoms of a heart attack or something. I bet a few of my teachers are going to try to fool me into thinking I missed something serious or something difficult to make up. Then I'd probably ask them, "Are you foolin' me?" and they'd say no, even though they probably were or something. It's hard to tell.

Pay close attention to this. If you try to fool somebody, and they ask you if you're trying to fool them, just say you are. It's annoying if you say, "No, I'm not fooling you," but later, you say you were fooling. I mean, the person already probably figured out you were fooling them but you said you weren't.... yadda yadda....... I call it a "fool loop". It's too confusing to talk about it in detail. I'm only making my headache worse.

I don't know how much my friends like April Fool's Day. I don't remember from last year what they did, or how they reacted to my foolings. I guess we'll see (unless I'm sick, but I can't miss school on April Fool's Day!)

Oh, if you skipped all of the above paragraphs to read this conclusion, shame on you! Go back and reread it all.

Today, before Calculus, I was bored. I noticed a yardstick on the whiteboard tray that the teacher uses to draw straight lines and junk. Well, I decided to lean the yardstick against the middle of the board with the bottom resting on the tray. Then I used a blue whiteboard marker to write "Vertical Ruler" and an arrow pointing to the ruler. Remember, I was bored. Calculus is pretty much the only class where I'll write on the board.

Class hadn't started yet; Mr. Worster hadn't entered yet. Aaron thought the Vertical Ruler thing was pretty funny. Others said it was "interesting." Nobody said anything negative about it. It looked like one guy in the classroom was going to erase the writing, but he didn't.

Mr. Worster came to class on time, like usual. He noticed the Vertical Ruler, and thought it was pretty interesting. I don't think he thought I made the Vertical Ruler at that time. He said, "I'm not used to seeing rulers like this," or something. I said, "Well, we're just so accustomed to seeing them rest horizontally—I thought I'd switch things up a little bit." Then he said, "Oh, I should have known you would do something like this."

I thought he was going to take down the Vertical Ruler, and erase the text pointing to it. He said it was a little uncomfortable working around the Vertical Ruler, and I told him that he could take it down, or perhaps move it to the other whiteboard on the other wall, but he said he wanted to leave it up just to show that he could do it.

He left it up during the entire lecture. He even said it was a little convenient because it divided the board into two sections, which was useful for the lecture he was giving (about using algebra to find limits). Audrey complained at one point that it was a little annoying to have the Vertical Ruler up, and Mr. Worster said he kinda liked it. But, just to be fair, he had the class vote on it. Audrey and two others wanted to take it down, but four people wanted to keep it up. I didn't vote. I don't remember if Mr. Worster voted or not. So the Vertical Ruler stayed up.

It stayed up for perhaps an hour and 20 minutes—throughout Worster's entire lecture. I then decided to move it to the other whiteboard. I made sure not to accidentally make it horizontal on the way. Mr. Worster switched the arrow I drew on the board to point to the new location of the Vertical Ruler. Then he said he supposed you could go the other way to get to it, but I said that would be the long way. So he redrew the original arrow, and wrote "Long Way" under it. Then he wrote "Short Cut" under his new, correct arrow.

About five minutes later, without irritation or any warning at all, the Vertical Ruler fell. It surprised me—the whiteboard it was on was right behind me, and the sound of the Vertical Ruler hitting the whiteboard tray was quite loud. So yeah. That was the end of the Vertical Ruler. Thanks for reading all this.

Happy Easter. Mom and Stephanie emptied the insides of eggs through small holes in the shells. After we colored the eggs, they filled them with confetti. We smashed one on my grandma's head and it got in her hair. Oh, what a day.